|This is a quote from the book, "My Ideal Lady."|
A cause that you believe in is always a cause worth fighting for.
It's meant to be an impossible force to reckon with...
It's meant to be as perennial as the grass...
What do you do then when it flickers and then goes off all together? When it waivers unsteadily then comes tumbling down in useless resignation?
I stand by the window today. My mind heavy with thoughts. People are running helter skelter under the rain...but I'm warm, I'm safe.The tears flowing down the window though, feel real on my face. The brokenness of my heart is real.
A couple of days ago I stood right here...I stood here staring at him, and he at me and the silence between us...
devoid of meaning, devoid of feeling...empty.
The thought of him gives me vertigo. He's a memory I desperately wish to erase.
But how did we get to this place, a place of so much hatred? How?
A person who loved so deeply, how would he use the same body to hate with an equal depth...if not more deeply?
How would a mouth that spoke so profoundly, a mouth that spoke very beautiful words, a mouth that spoke so lovingly, how would it open up to release such atrocities?
How would a dignified human being do such undignified things...say such undignified words? *sigh*deep sigh*
Let me start from the beginning:
This is a story of a man that I love deeply. Sit here with me, let me share this with you. lend me your ears, lend me your time.
My father was my acme of perfection. In my eyes he could do no wrong. What he believed I believed, what he said was the gospel truth. My father...my dear beloved father...
...I choke at the memories, of everything perfect that he was...a good husband to my mother, a perfect father, a lovely man. A man of means, but a man of character as well. His mouth opened only to speak wisdom, to speak life, to speak warmth...
See, I grew up in a lovely home, an only child...
Growing up was bliss: the world lay at my feet. I could dream and become...nothing stood in my way.
"Dream my child. You can be anything you want to be."
But one day, my little paradise broke into a million little pieces...the pieces scattered all over, never to be fixed back together.
A world that once lay at my feet? now lay squarely on my shoulders; one overwhelming burden to carry.
My father, a man who deeply believed in the concept of family, woke up one day and decided that he did not need us any more...
He did not need my mother any more. He packed his things? No, we packed our things and were instantly replaced by another "loving family."
Loving family? Love and family...
...the two things that for a while...a very long while, had been promising me the certainty of their presence.
My father looked at me, he looked at my mother and his expression said that he loathed us deeply. We were to him two repulsive creatures...the scum of this earth!
A person who loved us so deeply, now hated us with an equal depth. How? How would a once so deep love, be replaced with a hatred equally deep?
Love, is a cause that I believed in, this cause that I would die for...
...and family, that one place in which you are always reminded that you are accepted, just as you are.
What happens then when such beauties waiver and flicker, when they fade away then disappear all together?
My father looked into my eyes, and mattered all kinds of atrocities...and I stood across and stared...
I stared in disbelief,
I stared in horror,
I stared at the reality of unrecoverable loss, of something that had once been too beautiful.
Two consenting adults who once loved each other, who made a home together, and had a child together.
Many people had always said, that I had the eyes of my mother and the smile of my father. So on my face? They are still together...
...and as long as I live they remain together.
But reality screams out disagreement....
Two consenting adults, they make their choices, and I am the unwilling recipient...trying even with my facial construction, to remind them that they always belong to each other...but my efforts prove useless.
But what do I say?
Because my heart will believe only what I say to myself. Do I speak the truth to myself?
Do I teach my ears to listen only to what is the truth?
Father said that I am...
But what do I say to myself?
For my heart will believe only what I say to myself. Do I speak the truth to myself?
Do I teach my ears to listen only to what is the truth?
This is life: change is inevitable, but progress is the choice...do I choose to live as a victim? Do I choose to live broken? Do I choose to hate the entire male species, because of the choice of one unconscionable man?
I wish to hate him back with equal depth,
...and loathe him back with equal intensity.
I wish to say to him frightening words too.
But my heart loves. My heart loves my father deeply, and my heart has chosen to forgive.
He is yet to ask for forgiveness, but I forgave for my own sake.
Forgave so I can move on already. Forgave because when all is said and done? He is still my father.
So love for me is a cause that I still believe in.
***This is a true story. I remember thinking that day as I listened and stared intently at her, "Beauty is an untamed heart." How could a person's soul and heart be this beautiful? Choosing love and forgiveness against all odds?
I told her that hers was a lovely story...a story that I would want to write about.To me it was a shocking story, but to her it was her reality...what she had gone through, what she had overcome! I wanted to write about it...to her story I added my imagination, and used my words...I tried to place myself in her shoes, to see what words I'd come up with.
I have been for a while actively and intentionally choosing to pursue and find beauty in people, things, and situations. It makes me a happier mess...try it, and you'll see that it works!
Let your heart be wild...untamed...unfettered. Bitterness is often justified, but it's a burden that you do not have the strength to carry. Choose forgiveness always...giving yourself time when forgiveness doesn't come swiftly...forgive for the sake of your own progress and freedom.
Learn to hear, and tell yourself the truth...only what is true. People will always have opinions about you, and lies will often fly around, but you can choose to be impeccable with your words. For it's true that the final words that your heart will believe, is what you say to yourself. Don't use your words against self!
Thanks for stopping by to read. Much appreciated...really!***